Day Thirty-one- You Are Not Alone

As we come to the end of this series on parenting, I just want to encourage you to remember that you are not alone! There are so many parents who are right where you are. Our stories might differ a bit, but the overall struggles and victories are much the same.

Even though we are living in an age full of remarkable technology and communication systems, it is still easy to feel disconnected and isolated. If this is you, then please start looking for places to get connected.  Perhaps you will find some supportive people within your own family network. Also, many communities offer opportunities like playgroups, meet-up groups, and parenting classes.  There are groups for parents of children with special needs. Local churches also often have parenting support groups and education classes available. I lead a weekly Bible study group geared specifically for moms of all ages. The women who come are always commenting that it is so nice to know that there are others who are dealing with the same feelings and challenges as they are. These moms are able to find friendship, as well as mentors who can provide insight and cheer them on.

There are also many opportunities for community online. Social media, parenting websites, blogs, discussion boards, and education forums can be wonderful places to find information and encouragement. It is fun to interact with people from other parts of the country or even the world and see that we are all much more alike than we are different.

There are parenting books and magazines available that cover virtually every age and stage of human development. The possibilities for gathering information are endless. I’m so grateful for all of the resources that I have been able to gather and use over the years. These have made my journey through parenthood so much easier.

People always joke that it would be nice for children to come with an owner’s manual. Fortunately, we do have access to such a thing. The Word of God contains all kinds of wisdom for us to use in raising our children. We can also pray and ask God to give us specific direction and insight for each of our kids. What a blessing it is to be able to consult with the Creator regarding His creation!

Remember, you are not alone! Let’s do this thing called parenting together!

 

Day Thirty- Love Your Teens



When I was in college, I took an Adolescent Psychology class. Most of us were in our early to mid-twenties, but there was one “non-traditional” student who was particularly annoying. She was the mother of three teenagers and readily admitted on the first day that she took this class with the hope that it might help her improve her parenting skills. She always had something to say, usually completely off-topic. One day, about half-way through the semester, she had an emotional breakdown in class.  As she was crying, she told us of some of her struggles with her kids. The professor, who wasn’t much of a touchy-feely, carey-sharey type, let her talk for a few minutes and then abruptly cut her off. He reminded her that this was primarily a course in adolescent theory, not a support group. However, he did offer her one piece of advice, “Go home and love your teens.”

I really didn’t know what that meant at the time. In fact, it seemed to me that he wasn’t very helpful to this poor woman at all. Little did I know that this piece of advice was actually quite sound.

When my oldest daughter was about to enter her teens, I asked my oldest brother if he had any advice.  He was in the midst of parenting his fourth teenager at the time, so I thought he might have some insight. He gave me three nuggets of wisdom regarding the care and feeding of teens: (1) keep them well-fed and well-rested, (2) be available to talk with them whenever they want to talk, and (3) let them know how much you love them.  If you can take care of these 3 areas, then everything else will work itself out.

Such simple advice, in fact it almost seemed too easy. But, as we headed into those teen years with our girls, it quickly became clear that my big brother knew exactly what he was talking about! Crankiness and/or extreme drama is almost always a result of one of these areas needing attention. They need to eat (or eat something more nutritious), they need to sleep, they need to talk about something that is bothering them (usually very late at night), or they just need to know that they are loved unconditionally- there is nothing they can do to make us love them more or less (lots of grace).

This is what my professor was talking about when he said to love your teens. Nurture them, spend time with them, be affectionate towards them, listen to them, and cheer them on! Teenagers aren’t scary; rather, they are often scared and need to know that we are there for them. Parents, love your teens!

 

Day Twenty-nine- The Birds and The Bees

One of the most anxiety- producing topics of discussion among parents is that of sex education. The most frequently asked question I hear is “When is the right age to have “the talk?”” My answer: This conversation begins when your children are very young. Sex education begins with teaching your little ones the appropriate names for all of their body parts. Yes, it seems very clinical, but it sure eliminates a lot of confusion and awkward conversations later on. It is only embarrassing if we make it embarrassing.

We also need to be helping our little ones develop good hygiene habits. If we can learn to speak with our kids in a matter-of-fact manner about these issues, then we can continue that method of communication as we head into discussing puberty.

The onset of puberty varies, so really be watching for those early signs in your children. Also, it doesn’t hurt to pay attention to what is happening with their peers. Both of my daughters had classmates who started their periods while in the third grade. Consequently, we began to discuss what happens to a girl’s body during puberty around this time.  Pace yourself…you do not have to give them the entire scoop all in one session. Break down the information into manageable chunks that are age-appropriate and be prepared to answer lots of questions. There are many great resources available to help with this process, so don’t panic!  

Parents, we set the tone.  Again, it is only embarrassing or shameful if we make it that way. Be open and available to answer any and all questions. If you won’t answer their questions, they will just look elsewhere (friends, the internet). Wouldn’t you rather give them the information they need? Take a deep breath and keep those lines of communication open. Even in the teen years, you have the greatest amount of influence in your children’s lives. Take advantage of every opportunity you have to educate and equip your kids!

 

 

 

 

Day Twenty-eight- The Word of God is Precious

I have always tried to teach my children to take good care of their possessions. Because reading was such a priority in our home, I really emphasized that books should receive special treatment. Pages should be turned with care and books should be returned to the appropriate shelf upon completion. But there is one book that deserves super-special treatment- the Bible.

Our kids have always had a Bible to use. They started out with a little toddler version, and then moved through a variety of age-appropriate versions as they grew. Even as little girls, they could look at their Bibles whenever they wanted. However, they needed to take good care of their Bibles because the Word of God is precious. I really wanted them to learn that this isn’t just another book. This is the one book that makes everything else worthwhile!

We read Bible stories just about every day. Reading to them from that Children’s Bible helped me to really learn and understand those stories, too. Along the way, I tried to emphasize that those words are important and life-changing. Now that my girls are older, I am so blessed when I hear them quoting verses and telling me about something they noticed during their own times of reading.

Parents, let’s make time each day to share the Word of God with our children.

“Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against You.” ~Psalm 119:11

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” ~ Psalm 119:105

 

Day Twenty-seven- Dollars and Sense

It doesn’t take children very long to catch on to the concept of exchanging money for goods and services. The value of money, however, is another one of those on-going conversations. There are a lot of resources available to help teach children about financial matters. It is definitely worth the time and effort to explore some different approaches so you can find the one that most closely fits your family’s values and philosophy.

Some things to consider: Will you pay your kids an allowance? Or will they get paid for completing certain chores? Under what conditions might they lose these privileges? This can all get complicated very quickly, so try to utilize a system that is easy to consistently maintain and flexible enough to be age appropriate. Whatever method you choose, make sure that you are getting some money into your kids’ hands so they can start learning to manage it.

From the time they were very young, we advised our girls to give 10% (tithing), save at least 10%, and then they could spend whatever remained. We also encouraged them to plan for their purchases rather than being impulsive. We showed them how to compare prices so they could get the best value. They learned how to save their money for more expensive purchases. This process helped them to learn delayed gratification, an extremely important concept that many adults have yet to grasp.

Finally, make sure that both parents are in agreement regarding money matters. A united approach will reduce confusion and discourage manipulation. This can be a very sensitive area in a family, but it is also a crucial one. Make it a priority to prepare your kids to manage money.

Day Twenty-six- Manners Matter

I have the opportunity to interact with many children of varying ages in my work as a guest teacher. One of the things I have noticed over the last several years is the lack of good manners that these kids display. I rarely hear them say things like “please” and “thank you.” Many kids make demanding statements like “give me that” or “you need to help me,” rather than asking for assistance. They often speak to those in authority with a very disrespectful tone.  There are a few kids who are polite; otherwise, the whole situation is a bit disappointing.

My husband (a full-time elementary teacher) and I have had many discussions about this lack of manners and the potential contributing factors surrounding this issue. Obviously, the kids are not being taught, but we have also observed that parents today do not use good manners themselves. We have had many encounters with rude parents in a variety of settings- in the school office, in the hallway, at events like concerts, plays, and athletic events, and in the community at large.  So I guess we should not be surprised that their children are rude. Such a disheartening situation.

Parents, manners still matter! As I have mentioned before, children can be very selfish, self-centered little creatures when left to their own devices. We need to teach them how to treat others with kindness and respect. Say please and thank-you, speak to others in a respectful manner, use appropriate table manners, do not interrupt when someone is speaking… good old-fashioned manners.

Manners begin with us! We need to be modeling appropriate behavior for our kids. Remember, our actions usually speak louder than our words, so make sure your kids see you demonstrating these skills. Encourage family members to use good manners with each other. Practice, practice, practice! These might seem like little things, but these little things are vitally important in our everyday lives.  Kindness, dignity, and respect…let’s make these a priority in our families.

Day Twenty-five- Enjoy Every Season

Once you become a parent, you are a parent for life. Sounds a bit ominous, doesn’t it? Fortunately we don’t have to do the entire job all at once. Just like everything else in life, there are different seasons in parenting.

Each season comes with its own set of joys and challenges. Sometimes the challenges leave us longing for the next phase. We fall prey to the “whens” and the “if onlys.” “When the baby comes, then we can really start to get settled.” “If only she were potty trained, then things would be so much easier.” “When he starts school…when she’s a teenager… if only he could drive himself around…when we finally make it to graduation…” We can get so caught up in thinking about the next season that we forget to enjoy the one we’re in now.

Once a moment has passed, we can never get it back.  Yesterday is gone and we have no real promise of tomorrow. But what we can do is fully live in this present moment. We can be grateful for this current part of the journey. We can lean into the challenges and appreciate this time we have with our children.

“The days are long, but the years are short.” (Gretchen Rubin) Today, this very moment, this is their childhood. This is life. Don’t waste another moment wishing for something else. Embrace this season with gratitude…you’ll be so glad that you did!

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

Day Twenty-four- Model Loving Relationships

"The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships." ~Anthony Robbins

One of the most powerful ways we teach our children is through modeling. Those darling kiddos are always watching us, taking note of how we do life. They pick up all kinds of mannerisms just by watching us. How we stand, if we cross our legs when we sit, etc. They also notice how we treat other people. Are we friendly to the store clerk? Do we hold the door for others? Are we kind to our neighbors? Our kids will very quickly begin to imitate our behavior. Hopefully this is a positive thing!

One area where we can really impact our kids is through modeling loving relationships. If we want our kids to be kind and respectful towards others, then we need to be kind and respectful towards others. If we want them to be honest and compassionate, then we need to be honest and compassionate. Our actions really do speak louder than our words.

If we want our kids to grow up and have strong, healthy marriages, then we need to show them strong, healthy marriages. We need to show them how to be loving, affectionate, respectful, and caring.  We need them to see what it looks like when you put someone else’s needs ahead of your own.

We also need to show them how to appropriately deal with conflict. While I’m not in favor of parents arguing with each other in front of the kids, the reality is that it happens sometimes. When it does, then our kids need to see us properly resolve the conflict.

This whole area can be quite challenging and overwhelming, especially if you have been through a tough time in your own relationships. Pray and ask God for wisdom. Seek out other resources in your church or community, such as mentoring or counseling. Don’t give up! God desires for us to have good relationships, so allow Him to bring healing to your heart, and trust Him to guide you, as you guide your children.  Nothing is too difficult for Him!

Day Twenty-three- Friends

The concept of friends and building solid friendships is another one of those areas in parenting that requires an on-going conversation with our kids. We begin by helping our children define friendship. When my kids were little, they would refer to anyone that they had played with as their “friend.” During visits to the neighborhood playground they would point out their “friends” to me.  When I would ask them to tell me the names of their “friends,” my girls would usually say, “I don’t know. But they’re my friend.” While this is typical for this stage of development, I began using it as an opportunity to teach about friendship.  I would remind them, “Friends know each other’s names. Go introduce yourself and find out the other kid’s name.”

From there, we moved on to talking about how friends treat one another.  Friends are kind and speak in a respectful way to each other.  Friends are generous and share. Friends help each other and do not try to get one another into trouble. We read books about friendship. We also encouraged our girls that they were not only sisters, but that they were friends and should treat each other as such.

As kids get older, it is important to help them understand that there are levels of friendship. A picture of three concentric circles illustrates this concept well.  The center circle represents your very closest friends, those you know and who know you very well. The next circle represents your casual friends, those you know well enough to talk to, have lunch with, and hang out with sometimes, but not like your close friends. The outer circle represents acquaintances, people you speak with occasionally, but you don’t really spend much time with them. Assisting your kids in identifying where the people in their lives fit in this picture can help them better understand their relationships and develop more appropriate expectations.

Defining friendship has been further complicated with the advent of social media. We have “friends” on facebook, but that can be a bit of a misnomer. Be sure to discuss what all of this means with your kids as you prepare them to venture into the online world.

Because we want our kids to have “good friends,” we parents sometimes take it on ourselves to help our kids make friends with those we think would be good for them. Occasionally this might work; however, it has been my experience that set-ups usually don’t work well.  Kids (like adults) need the opportunity to develop friends in a more organic way. Rather than trying to build relationships for our kids, let’s help them learn to develop healthy relationships on their own.  We can provide guidance as needed, but most of all, we can pray for them as they grow in this area.

I discovered my favorite definition of friendship printed on a greeting card many years ago. It went something like this- A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you’ve forgotten the words. Friends are so important, so let’s be diligent in this area with our kids!

Day Twenty-two- Their Education is Your Responsibility

The topic of education always seems to spark controversy, so let me begin by saying that this will not be an exhaustive discussion regarding this subject.  More than anything, I just want parents to recognize that we need to be purposeful when it comes to educating our children.  The responsibility lies squarely with us.  Not the government. Not the school. Not the community. Not the church. Sobering, isn’t it?

Now, that is not to say that we can’t have any realistic expectations of any institution that we choose to help us in this process.  But that is a whole other area that I do not wish to get into today.

This whole business of education can be incredibly overwhelming.  Will you send your kids to public or private school? What about a charter school or a private Christian school? Maybe you’re interested in homeschooling.  If so, then what curriculum will you use?  Depending on where you live, there might be more or less options.

My first piece of advice:  get acquainted with the available options in your community. Make an appointment to meet with the principal and take a tour of the schools in your neighborhood.  Ask lots of questions!  What is their philosophy of education? What are the teacher qualifications? [In my state, teachers in private schools are not required to be state certified.  However, some of the private schools in our area make it a policy to only hire certified teachers.]  Is the school accredited?  How big are the class sizes? How do they handle discipline? What courses do they offer? [particularly important at the secondary level] What extracurricular activities do they have? How do they utilize parent involvement? Look at the curriculum and ask questions. Do an extended observation and take notes. Attend a local homeschool organization meeting in your area. Visit a homeschooling resource fair.  Talk with some of the parents and, again, ask lots of questions.

Second:  consider the needs of your children on an individual basis, as well as the needs of your family as a whole. Education is definitely not a one-size-fits-all proposition. What works for one child might not work for another.  I have a friend with three children.  At one point she was homeschooling one child, had another in a private school, and was sending her third to a school that specialized in helping kids with special needs because that was appropriate for this child. Consider the education priorities and goals that you have for your kids. I would also suggest that you re-evaluate at the end of each school year. As your children grow, their needs may change, requiring a different educational option.

Third:  regardless of your choice, plan to be involved! Go and volunteer in the classroom. When my girls were in elementary school, I helped in each of their classes on a weekly basis.  I was the “room mom” who organized class parties. I chaperoned numerous class trips. One year I was the PTA president. As they moved into the secondary level, I helped with lots of class projects (harvesting fish eggs and sperm was quite interesting), organized parent volunteers, and chaperoned more trips. We’ve hosted team dinners and my husband has even been a debate judge. Look at your schedule and set aside some time to do something. You will get to directly observe teachers and other staff, you will get to know the other kids (and their parents), and you will have a better understanding of how your child is doing.

Finally, the most important thing you can do throughout this process:  PRAY!!! As you seek God, He will direct you in making wise choices for your children.  Choices that are founded in faith, rather than in fear.  Choices that will be just right for your family. Choices that will prepare your kids to fulfill the purpose that He has for them.

“Education is the movement from darkness to light.” ~Allan Bloom

Day Twenty-One- Prayer Changes Everything

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Never stop praying, parents! Pray with your children whenever you possibly can.  Pray together in the morning when your day starts, at meal times, when they have owies or hurt feelings or are worried, and before they go to bed.  Pray with them when they aren’t feeling well.  Say prayers of thanksgiving when all is well.  Have them pray.  How precious it is to hear the sincere faith-filled prayer of a little child!

Most of all, parents, I want to encourage you to pray for your children. We can do our very best to train and teach our kiddos, but God is the only One who can truly bring about change in their hearts.  Sometimes we just need to stop preaching at our kids, and start really praying for them.

Prayer really does change everything!

Day Twenty- The Strong-Willed Child

I first learned about the strong-willed child in one of my child psychology classes in college.  The information presented at that time painted a pretty dismal picture of what it meant to deal with this temperament.  Stubborn, obstinate, rebellious, virtually impossible to discipline- not an attractive list of characteristics.  The parents of these children were endlessly frustrated and exhausted.  I was happy to move on from this subject of study.

And then I gave birth to my very own strong-willed child.

From the moment she came on the scene, my oldest daughter was determined to do life on her own terms.  There wasn’t a passive bone in her body.  As she grew, I saw more and more of those strong-willed traits come to light.  She was stubborn, obstinate, rebellious against our leading, and she was so difficult to discipline.  I read every book I could find, tried every technique, and cried buckets of tears.  There I was, just like the child psychology course said I would be, endlessly frustrated and exhausted.

When my daughter was three, I received the most wonderful nugget of wisdom from the wife of our children’s pastor at church.  She told me that the most frustrating traits in our children are also usually their God-given strengths, just out of balance.  If we can help them make adjustments, then these negatives will become positives.  Her words helped me gain a whole new perspective!

I began to see how this temperament could really be an asset to my daughter.  Pointed in the right direction, she would not fall victim to peer pressure.  She would not be easily persuaded to walk away from truth. She would grab onto what is right and just and never let go.  She would persevere in the face of extreme difficulty. I began to feel hopeful about the future, which is only right because my daughter’s name is Hope!

I wish I could tell you that everything was easy from that point on, but it wasn’t.  In fact, we went through seasons where it actually felt like it was getting worse.  But there were some breakthroughs along the way.  And as she grew and changed, we also grew and changed. We started to see those negatives transform into positives and we have shared many happy, wonderful times together.  She was not a rebellious teenager and she had no trouble walking away from peer pressure.  Those God-given strengths were becoming fully-developed in her.  Today she is a confident and beautiful woman of God who is passionately pursuing her dreams. I am truly blessed to be her mother!

Do not despise the strong-willed child! Yes, there are challenges, but when everything comes back into balance as it should, there is tremendous blessing. 

Day Nineteen- Help Them Find Their Purpose

“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.” ~ Psalms 139:13-16

Each one of us is uniquely created with God-given gifts and talents designed to help us accomplish His specific purposes for our lives. One of our responsibilities as parents is to help guide our children into finding their purpose.  While this might seem a bit overwhelming, keep in mind that this is not a process that happens overnight.  If we are really paying attention and get to know our kids, then we will see glimpses of their talents as they grow.

Do you have a child who is always trying to start a little business? Lemonade stand, lawn mowing or leaf raking service, etc? You just might have a budding entrepreneur on your hands. How about a never-ending array of art projects (that goes beyond the typical coloring page)? Could be a future artist in your midst.  Any musical ability being demonstrated?  Perhaps this is the area where your child will shine.

We have referred to our oldest daughter as the “camp director” for several years now because she has the tendency to take charge of whatever situation she is in.  She can organize things quickly and is comfortable with directing people to complete specific tasks. An accomplished musician (she sings and plays the piano, clarinet, and saxophone), she combined her musical talent with her knack for leadership, and was the worship leader in her church youth group.  She is also very good at breaking down concepts in a way that is easily understood by others. Now that she is in college, it comes as no surprise to us that she is majoring in education.

Our youngest daughter has always been very sensitive towards the needs of others and is a natural encourager.  She expresses her creativity through drawing, crafting, cooking, and her music (also an accomplished musician, she sings and plays the piano, flute, and cello). She loves to perform and really shines whenever she is on stage.  She has kept a journal since she was quite young and loves to write.  Recently she began her own blog with the specific purpose to encourage others. {Feel Free To Quote Me} She also has demonstrated a natural ability for teaching and plans to major in education when she goes to college.

Along the way, our girls have tried a variety of activities that have helped in finding their talents.  Sometimes the journey is a process of elimination.  But I think the most effective thing we can do as parents is to pray and ask God to reveal to us those abilities that He has given our children.  We can ask Him to show us the best way to nurture those gifts and talents.  We can pray with our children and help them to be sensitive to His leading as they are discovering their purpose.  Perhaps you will discover something new about your purpose, too!

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Day Eighteen- Faith Not Fear

We live in a scary world full of all kinds of danger that could potentially threaten our kids.  Just watch the evening news… child abductions, child abuse, all kinds of accidents, outbreaks of contagious diseases, and even murder.  The reality of it all can be so overwhelming! We can easily find ourselves in the grip of fear. Fear that can take us beyond common sense and put us into a tail spin of extreme overprotection.

Several years ago, while at a church women’s retreat, I learned a tremendous lesson. One of the women there shared about how we should not parent our children out of a position of fear; rather, we should parent them out of a position of faith.  Yes, we should use wisdom and continue to do practical things to protect our kids (car seats, safety belts, bike helmets, “good touch, bad touch” training, etc).  But we need to guard ourselves against becoming fearful and overprotective.  This bit of wisdom absolutely transformed the way I approached parenting from that day forward!

There is a great moment in the movie Finding Nemo when Marlin and Dory are in the whale.  Marlin says, “I promised him [Nemo] that I would never let anything happen to him.”  Dory says, “Huh, that’s a funny thing to promise.” Marlin: “Why?”  Dory: “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him- then nothing would ever happen to him.  Not much fun for little Harpo.”

Things are going to happen to our kids- hopefully it’s mostly good stuff, but there might be some difficult stuff.  Try as we might, we can’t protect them from everything. What we can do is use wisdom, pray, and trust God.  The Bible tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)  Let’s be parents who exercise faith, not fear!

Day Seventeen- Make Good Choices

The 2003 remake of the movie Freaky Friday with Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan has been a family favorite for several years now.  The movie begins with the typical crazy morning rush to get the family out the door and off to school and work.  As the mom is dropping off her teenage daughter at school, she calls out the window after her, “Make good choices!”  The daughter sighs and rolls her eyes as she is walking towards the building.

After we had seen this movie for the first time, I would often say this phrase to my girls (sort of in a teasing manner) when dropping them off at school.  One day they turned the tables on me and called out “Make good choices, Mom!” as they walked away from the car. Classic parenting moment!

Even though we were having fun quoting a movie, it was important to me that they understand the power of their choices and the resulting consequences.  Teaching this concept really requires an on-going conversation that begins when kids are really young. Most of us do this without really thinking about it. “Don’t touch the stove- it’s hot and you will get burned.” “Be careful when crossing the street, or you will get hit by a car.” “Stay with me while we’re in the mall, or you will get lost.”

We also teach this concept through the process of discipline.  Obedience brings a reward, but disobedience brings a negative consequence.  We encourage our kids to make good choices so they will avoid unwanted consequences.  Some choices are short-lived in their impact, while others have longer-lasting, more serious (sometimes life-changing) consequences.  For example, choosing to not clean your room carries different consequences than choosing to text while driving and having an accident that injures or even kills someone.

A critical part of this discussion with our children needs to focus on the idea that our choices affect other people, not just us. A great way to illustrate this is by playing a game of checkers.  The first player’s move (choice) on the board influences the move (choice) that the second player will make.  As the game continues, the players often fall victim to unwanted consequences as a result of each other’s moves (choices).   Recognizing the potential impact of their choices will hopefully help our kids make better decisions.

“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!” ~Deuteronomy 30:19

Let’s give our children the tools they need to make life-giving choices!

 

Day Sixteen- An Attitude of Gratitude

Children are naturally self-centered beings.  Because they are always growing and learning, it comes as no surprise that their focus is often primarily on themselves.  However, left unchecked, the tendency towards being self-centered quickly leads to selfish and demanding behavior. How do we combat this?  I think the best way is by helping our children to develop an attitude of gratitude.

Gratitude is defined as the quality of being thankful or appreciative.  Learning to be thankful puts the focus on what we have, rather than on what we don’t have.  Since whatever we focus on gets bigger, we need to keep our focus in the right place.

It is nearly impossible to be selfishly motivated when counting your blessings.  Also, when we are thankful, we can find contentment and peace.  Striving to get more stuff or to get our own way is exhausting.  I’ll take peace over chaos any day!

Delayed gratification is a valuable concept that we need to be constantly working on with our kids.  Teaching them to wait for the things that they want is a lesson that will serve them well throughout their lives.  Perhaps this is a lesson that we as parents also need to learn. What do you do while you wait?  Keep giving thanks for all that you have and for all that you will receive in the future!

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude in your home.  You will be thankful that you did!

“The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!”  ~Henry Ward Beecher

 

Day Fifteen- Discipline That Makes Sense

O-B-E-Y obey your mom and dad;

O-B-E-Y it makes them very glad.

Listen to the words they say,

obey your parents every day;

O-B-E-Y obey your mom and dad.

We used to sing this song every day with our girls when they were little (and on a few occasions as a good reminder even when they were not so little). 

Parents, why is it so important that our children obey us?  Well, an obvious reason is to keep them safe.  Additionally, it is also important for our kids to learn to submit to authority because they will have numerous situations in their lives where they will need to- think of teachers, coaches, police officers, employers, etc.  Also, if we want to raise children who will live lives submitted to God (who isn’t physically tangible), then we want them to learn to obey their parents (who are physically tangible).

Countless books and volumes of research have been published on the subject of discipline.  It can be quite confusing and extremely complicated.  Here are just a few things that have served me well in raising my children:

*Make your expectations clear and concise. (“Bobby, please pick up all of the Legos and put them away in the Lego bin.”)

*Immediately reward appropriate behavior using whatever method works for you. This might include: praise (“Good work! Thank-you, Bobby.), earning a sticker on a reward chart, or earning a privilege (like 15 minutes of video game time).  You might use a combination of these, but try to keep it simple.

*Give a consequence for inappropriate behavior, again using the method of your choice.  This might include: time-out (one minute per year of age of child), nothing earned for reward chart, no earned privilege or even loss of privilege (“Since you didn’t clean up the Legos like I asked, then you will not be able to play with them for x amount of time.”).

*Make sure that the punishment fits the crime- not too harsh or too lenient.

*Natural consequences usually work best. For example, if the child makes a mess, then they need to clean it up.  Consider what is age-appropriate- a 3 year old can’t mop the floor, but they can pick up toys and put them in a bin. 

*Setting a timer to have them “beat the clock” can be a great motivating tool when completing tasks.

*Remember, the goal isn’t to control our children; rather, we want them to learn to control themselves.  Disciplining your child can be very challenging and stressful- give yourself a time-out if necessary!

* Be consistent!  This is the most important aspect of discipline, and often the most difficult.  Hang in there, it will be worth it in the end!

The Word of God reveals a wonderful promise for those who honor their parents:

“Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”” ~Ephesians 6:1-3

Of course we want our children to “live long and prosper” (great words from the Vulcan Spock, not to be confused with the child-rearing expert Dr. Spock).  Let’s help them by teaching them to be obedient!

 

Day Fourteen- Let Them See You Worship

Our children are always watching us, so let’s model for them a lifestyle of worship.  Happy Sunday everyone!

“Honor the Lord for the glory of His name. Worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness.” ~Psalm 29:2

 

Day Thirteen- Are You Speaking Their Love Language?

Twenty years ago author Dr. Gary D. Chapman wrote a book entitled The Five Love Languages.  This bestseller has since revolutionized the way that thousands of couples relate to one another (including me and my husband).  Five years later he released a version of this teaching specifically geared towards parents and children called The Five Love Languages of Children. 

 

I consider this a must-read for any parent.  Dr. Chapman’s research and insight provide valuable information that any parent can use to build and improve relationships with their kids.  If you haven’t already read this book, then please consider adding it to your library.  It is a wonderful resource!

For more information, please visit 5lovelanguages.com

Day Twelve- Listen to Your Knower

Perhaps you’ve never heard that word “knower” before today.  I’m pretty sure you won’t find it in any dictionary.  So what does it mean?  When I use the word “knower,” I am referring to that little inner voice that guides us throughout the day.  Instinct, intuition, leading of the Holy Spirit… I just like the term knower because I think it is an accurate description of how this functions.  My knower lets me know when things are going well and alerts me when there is something or someone I need to give my attention to right away.  (I also like this term because kids respond to it very quickly and latch onto the concept with ease.  After all, they have knowers, too!)

As parents, our knower can help us navigate all of the challenges that come with raising kids.  Is it time to call the doctor? Listen to your knower.  Is there a deeper issue behind the frustrating behavior your child is exhibiting?  Listen to your knower.  Is that person or situation safe?  Listen to your knower. 

All too often we question or even resist that knowing in our hearts, only to realize later that we were being led to do exactly the right thing.  Wisdom for our kiddos is available to us if we are sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  “…He gently leads those that have young.” (Isaiah 40:11)  What a comfort to know that we are not alone!

Let’s move forward with confidence, secure in the knowledge that the One who entrusted us with those precious children will strengthen, energize, and equip us to be great parents.  Listen to your knower!

Day Eleven- Dads Are Important, Too!

Dad, Daddy, Da-da, Papa, Pop, Pa, Father… no matter what name you call him, he is an incredibly important partner in the parenting team.  Unfortunately, over the past several years, there has been a steady decline in the value of fathers in our society.  Dads as characters in television shows and movies are often portrayed as incompetent or even unnecessary.  Men are frequently referred to as “sperm donors” who have no other real function when it comes to raising children.  What a sad situation we are in, especially since this was not God’s design.

God’s plan is for children to have both a mother and a father who are present for more than just conception.  Why do they need both?  Because mothers and fathers each provide for the needs of their children in different and unique ways. One isn’t more important than the other; rather, they both contribute to the overall health and well-being of their children.

Numerous studies have demonstrated that children with involved fathers perform better academically and in social situations.  Dads are highly influential when it comes to teaching their kids (both sons and daughters) how to have good relationships.  They instruct and encourage their children to be independent.  Dads help develop strong character traits and can inspire their kids to pursue a meaningful relationship with God.

Much has been said over the years about “women’s intuition” and the innate connection that moms have with their children.  But I strongly believe that dads also have insight and wisdom regarding their own kids.  The balanced perspective that comes from having both parents involved in the process is incredibly valuable.

Unfortunately, there are many families where dads simply aren’t that involved.  They might even be completely out of the picture.  God bless the thousands of single moms who are struggling to provide for and be everything to their kids.  These strong, brave women raise great kids often in the face of extreme difficulty.   And let’s not forget all of those single dads who are also working hard to care for their families.  All of these single parents  deserve our love and support.    

Yes, dads are important and need to be appreciated for the valuable role they play in their children’s lives.  Let’s show some gratitude for daddies today!

 

Day Ten- Guard Their Hearts

Parents do a variety of things to protect their children: childproof the home (inside and out), use car seats, monitor food and small toys for potential choking hazards, hold hands with the child when crossing the street, check references for childcare providers, teach “stranger danger,” learn first aid and CPR, etc.  But one of the most important things we need to be doing as parents comes from the book of Proverbs, chapter 4, verse 23:

 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Just as our children are dependent on us for their natural needs, they also need us to guard their hearts.

What does that mean?  Many scholars consider the heart to be the center-most part of our being- body, soul (mind, will, & emotions), and spirit.  If we are going to guard their hearts, then we need to be aware of anything that would impact them in those areas.

Practically speaking, we need to be aware of what they are watching, listening to, and reading.  Who are their friends?  Where are they going and what are they doing while they are there?  How are all of these things affecting their lives?

And, just like our children grow to be more independent in taking care of their own natural needs, we need to be helping them learn how to guard their own hearts.  When they are little we guide them in making good choices, giving them more and more freedom as they grow to make more choices on their own, until eventually they reach the point that they can make appropriate choices all by themselves. 

Easy to do? No, not always.  Thank God for His grace that enables us to do that which He has called us to do.  Along the way I’ve learned that when I am diligent to guard my own heart, it is so much easier to help my kids guard their hearts. Like most things in parenting, it starts with us.  Fortunately, it’s never too late to start!

Day Nine- Develop Good Habits

“Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character...” ~ Stephen R. Covey

 “A man who gives his children habits of industry provides for them better than by giving them fortune.”  ~Richard Whately

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~Aristotle

If the above quotes are any indication, our daily habits are extremely important.  As parents, we need to be diligent about helping our children develop good habits.  Again, this is one of those things that must be done with intention.  Remember, we are always teaching.  Raising great kids takes a lot of time and effort!

Work hard, finish what you start, clean up after yourself, brush your teeth every day, make healthy food choices… these are some of the more obvious good habits we try to develop in our kids. The following are some more healthy habits that we have tried to teach in our family.

Even before our first child was born, my husband and I had determined that we would be a family of prayer.  Maybe you haven’t ever thought of prayer as a habit, but we wanted to develop that daily practice in our home.  Beginning with that very first night in the hospital following our first child’s birth, we have gathered together as family before bedtime to pray.  Whenever our girls have a worry or concern, we pray.  Whenever someone is sick and needs healing, we pray.  Has it always been easy or convenient? Honestly, no.  But all of these years later, the good habit of daily prayer has been established.

As parents, David and I also determined that we wanted our children to learn to always do their best.  Over the years, “Do your best” has been our expectation and mantra.  Now we hear these words come out of their mouths and we have watched them implement this habit of doing their best in their daily lives.

One last example:  We really wanted our children to become good readers and enjoy reading every day.  If you can read, you can learn anything!  We began reading to them while they were babies.  We tucked them into bed as preschoolers with stacks of books to look at and “read” before they went to sleep.  As emerging readers, our girls read out loud to us each night.  Soon we were reading the same book series together and sharing recommendations within our own little book club.  Now one of our favorite things to do is visit the library or local bookstore together. 

Good habits take time to develop, but it is time well-spent.   Take some time today to think about the habits you want to grow in your kids and then make a plan.  Perhaps you will even develop some new good habits for yourself.

Day Eight- Children Crave Routine

A former music pastor in our church used to always say “There’s something about life that is so daily.”  Can I get an “amen?!”  Same chores, same job, same people, same, same, same!!  Often it can all get a little too monotonous.

But can I let you in on a little secret?  Children crave routine.  They love it.  They thrive in that environment.  Predictability provides security, one of our most basic human needs.  Kids love to know what’s going to happen next in their day.  With so much of their lives completely out of their control, a reliable routine gives them a small semblance of control in their world.  A good routine can help reduce behavior issues and create a much more peaceful place to live.

Unfortunately, parents often don’t make effective use of routine with their children.  Perhaps it appears to be unimportant or getting organized seems like a lot of work. Whatever the case may be, it has been my experience that without a plan for the day, chaos will quickly ensue, and everyone ends up grumpy.  Now, I’m not suggesting that you schedule every minute of every day.  That would be too complicated and failure would be virtually guaranteed.  A daily routine should be fairly simple, such as:  get up and get ready, have breakfast, morning playtime (or school), lunch, nap time (or quiet time), afternoon playtime, dinner, and bedtime.  The actual schedule for each time frame can be made more specific to meet the needs for your family.  For example, the “get up and get ready” portion might include specific tasks like making the bed, brushing teeth, etc.

Before my girls could read, I created a chart using pictures that outlined our routine for the day.  They each also had a check-list of tasks (again using pictures) that they had to do each day.  Completed check-lists resulted in a reward at the end of the week.  I liked this system because it helped them to become more independent in taking care of themselves.  Rather than nagging them about each responsibility, I could just refer them to their chart.

Choose whatever organization method that will work for your family.  Be creative and involve everyone. A good routine really can simplify your daily life. 

Day Seven- Little Ones to Him Belong

“Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak, but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so.”

 

I became a born-again Christian at the age of 20, so I didn’t learn this sweet little children’s song until I was an adult.  The words are so simple, yet so powerful.  This was one of the first songs each of our children ever learned.  Lots of truth in those few lines.

I’ve had a lot of wonderful experiences as a mom, but sharing the things of God with my kids tops my list.  I’ve heard it said that a teacher often learns more than their students.  This was certainly true in my case since I hadn’t been a believer for very long before we had our first child.  We would read stories from the Children’s Bible and most of them I was hearing for the first time, just like my kids. As they were learning to pray, I was learning to pray.  My faith was growing right along with my girls’ faith.  As I was teaching them how to be godly women, I was learning how to become one myself. 

My experiences have taught me this:  growing and cultivating Godly principles happens best when it happens naturally.  Watch for those teachable moments, answer all of those questions, pray for every little “owie” and concern, take time to appreciate God’s creation, and be open to share your own heart.  Be careful… you just might learn something along the way, too!

 “You must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” ~Deuteronomy 6:6-9