She's Still the Voice in My Head

It has been twenty-five years since I received the news that my mother was being admitted to the hospital due to a previously undiagnosed rare autoimmune disease that was wreaking havoc in her body.

Twenty-five years since I sat by her bedside and held her hand.

Twenty-five years since she looked into my husband’s eyes and asked him to please take good care of me.

Twenty-five years since I kissed her goodnight and told her that I loved her.

Twenty-five years since we were summoned to the hospital in the middle of the night and informed that there was nothing more that could be done.

Twenty-five years since I watched her take her last breath and step into eternity.

I was twenty-three when my mother died. The very same age that my oldest daughter is now. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. How was I going to live without her? How would I raise children without her to help me? I mourned for all that she would miss and all that I would have to do without her.

A few years later I came to the realization that even though our time together was short, my mom had somehow managed to give me everything that I needed to live a happy and successful life. She taught me how to be kind, loving, compassionate, gracious, responsible, and honest. She showed me how to be a wonderful wife and mother, fiercely protective, always putting family first. She modeled strength and courage in the face of great adversity. She taught me to value education, work hard, and always pursue excellence. So many lessons learned and wisdom shared in our twenty-three years together.

I have lived more than half of my life without her. I haven’t audibly heard her voice in all this time. But I have come to appreciate that she is still the voice in my head. Sometimes her voice is soft and kind as she gently reminds me of all that she taught me. Sometimes her voice is critical and judgmental as she comments on my choices. It is her voice that haunts my thoughts. And it is her voice that brings me comfort.

Her voice has guided me through so many situations, particularly in my journey through motherhood. She had the unique ability to connect with any child and know intuitively exactly what that child needed. A real child-whisperer. I have relied heavily on all that she taught me. I have come to appreciate the depth of her wisdom. Oh how I wish that we could sit together and share our stories. The successes, the failures, the pain, the exhaustion, the anxiety, and the sheer joy. She would have adored my daughters. I see so much of her in each of them.

Time has eased my grief a little, but I still miss her like crazy this time of year. My heart aches each time I set out the Christmas decorations from my childhood. The song “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” wrecks me every. single. time. As I make preparations, I can hear her say “Christmas is a time for family,” her holiday mantra. I am clinging to every happy memory I can muster as I deal with my own shattered heart this season. I know that she would relate to all of my pain.

Yes, she’s still the voice in my head, encouraging me to press forward, be brave, stand strong. I am who I am because I was loved by her.

When The Holidays Are Hard

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas everywhere you go…” But maybe this year you just aren’t feeling it. The decorations, the planning, the shopping…it all seems so overwhelming. You are neither merry nor bright.

I totally get it. In fact, I wrote about my struggle with "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" six years ago. You are not alone. There are so many reasons why this time of year is hard. Maybe you’re dealing with financial pressure. Or you have some difficult relationship issues causing you anxiety. Perhaps you are grieving the loss of a loved one. Maybe you have some unhappy memories associated with this time of year. Or you might be paralyzed by perfectionism as you pursue a Pinterest-worthy Christmas. The holidays certainly have a way of magnifying our circumstances!

How do you embrace life during a season that is so hard? Here are some things that I have learned:

Acknowledge Your Situation

It’s okay to admit that you are having a hard time. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball that gets us off-balance. You do not have to pretend that everything is ok. Give yourself permission to grieve. Don’t be afraid to tell others about what is really happening in your life.

Practice Good Self-Care

Be good to yourself, especially during times of stress. Eat nutritious food. Get enough sleep. Seek out positivity and limit negative influences. Get up and move around more. Indulge in those activities that are energizing for you. Healthy choices will sustain you during hard times.

Avoid Isolation

When we are hurting, we often respond by withdrawing from others. This is completely normal, but not helpful. Resist the urge to retreat into your own little shell. Reach out. Ask for help. Don’t expect others to just know what you need. Find a way to stay connected to others.

Find a Meaningful Way to Celebrate

Perhaps some of your traditions seem too difficult or too painful this year. Maybe it’s time for you to let go of any previous expectations you might have about how to celebrate the holidays. If what you’ve always done isn’t going to work this year, then give yourself permission to make a change! Consider what would make this season more meaningful for you. Try a new advent devotional. Schedule more time with family and friends. Decorate more. Decorate less. Adjust gift-giving expectations and stay within your budget. Attend a local Christmas concert or play. Find a way to help others in need in your community. Make your celebration an expression of what is meaningful for you and your family.

Fine-tune Your Focus

Whatever you focus on will grow, so where is your focus? If you focus only on what’s hard right now, then that will eventually overwhelm you and steal your joy. But, if you focus on what you do have and what you can do, then you will begin to see a way forward. When the empty places of your heart are crying out to be filled, keep your eyes on the One who truly brings comfort and joy.

The struggle is real, my friends. I still experience moments where I am completely overwhelmed by difficult emotions. Little things can trigger big reactions. Grief is like that sometimes. However, I am getting better at controlling my responses now. I can better embrace this season and actually enjoy myself.

I believe that you can have victory in this area, too. Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.” Open your heart today and allow the love of God to heal the broken and fill the empty. What a precious gift to receive during this season.