As I reflect on the past two decades, I am amazed at all
that I have learned while on this journey. A few thoughts really stand out in
my mind. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, below are a few of the
things that I know for sure about being a mother.
Motherhood is the toughest job I’ve ever loved.
I’ve had some challenging job experiences over the years.
Anything is possible in the realm of mental health. I’ve coordinated community
integration programs for developmentally disabled adults. I have done task
analysis for everything from toilet training to holding an appropriate
conversation. I have established safety plans with folks who were suicidal. I
have worked with paranoid schizophrenics while they were actively
hallucinating. I even witnessed a client manifest multiple personalities during
a medical visit. This is work that is absolutely draining. Mentally,
emotionally, and physically draining; yet, somehow, also very fulfilling.
However, the most challenging and satisfying work I have
ever done has been raising my children. Every day is different. Each stage of
development brings with it a new set of challenges. There have been countless
times that I have been completely spent. But there are more times that I have
been so completely content. To watch them grow, master new skills, develop
their talents, and explore the world around them was and continues to be my
absolute joy. Simply put, I LOVE being a mom! Yes, it is tough sometimes, but
the rewards are incredible.
Mother’s intuition is real.
While it would be helpful if children came with an
instruction manual, the reality is that they do not. However, I really do
believe that all mothers are blessed with intuition, an innate sense that gives
us insight regarding the individual needs of our children. It’s that feeling in
our gut that something is (or maybe isn’t) going on with our child despite the
evaluations provided by others. It’s our “knower” that guides us as we make
decisions every day regarding our kids. This
intuition combined with the Holy Spirit of God that dwells in our hearts
is so powerful. When we pray and ask for help, He is faithful to give us
wisdom and direct our footsteps. It’s like having constant access to the best
interactive instruction manual available anywhere.
Mothers need other mothers to travel with us on the journey.
Many years ago it was common for multiple generations of a
family to live near each other. The older folks were present and available to
help teach the younger ones how to do life. Great-grandmothers and grandmothers
helped new mothers to raise their children. Today it is much more common for us
to be separated geographically from the older generations in our families.
Sometimes separation comes as a result of other issues. I have met so many women who are estranged from their own mothers for a variety of reasons. These divides aren’t always so easily bridged, leaving both mothers and daughters with heartache.
My own mother died a couple of years before I had my first
child. I mourned for all that she would miss and for all that I would miss by
not having her physically present in my life. I mourned for my children who
would never know her and would miss out on having this grandmother in their
lives. I spent the first few years of motherhood trying so hard to do it all on
my own. I wanted to honor my mother by being the best supermom I could possibly
be. It was exhausting! In the midst of all of my striving, God gently reminded
me that there were some amazing women in my life who could help me. No, they
weren’t my mom and it wouldn’t be exactly the same, but they were women who had
lots of experience and wisdom to share.
I slowly began to reach out and ask for help. I received
such love and support from the most wonderful women. One, in particular, is my
mother-in-law. She is an incredible woman of God and has taught me so much
about how to be a wife and mom. She is a marvelous grandmother and my girls
absolutely adore her! God has brought some other lovely women into my life who have
been surrogate mothers, grandmothers, and sisters. Some came into my life for a
short season, some for much longer. Whatever their contribution, I know that I
could not do this without the love and support of these women.
Some of these women have never had children of their own.
You can still be a “mama” even if you’ve never had your own kids. I’m so
grateful for their encouragement and willingness to walk with me along the way.
God never intended for us to travel alone. We need one another on the journey.
My children do not belong to me.
While I do use the possessive pronoun “my” when referring to
the children that I have birthed, they are not my possessions. Yes, I have been
responsible for their care and training. Yes, we share some of the same
physical characteristics, personality traits, gifts, talents, and even interests.
But my children do not belong to me. They belong to God. He knew them while
they were still being formed in my womb. He uniquely gifted each of them to
accomplish a specific purpose in His kingdom. As much as I love them, He loves
them with a perfect love.
I’ve learned over the years that this business of parenting
is really a long process of letting go. Each stage of child development brings
with it a new level of independence. This independence needs to be paired with
freedom. Throughout each stage, I’ve poured all that I can into my kids. All of
my knowledge, experience, insight, and love. Then comes the time to take a step
back and let them complete the process of growing and learning. Letting go is
challenging. Sometimes it is tempting to just try and control. But control
brings with it a false sense of security. Letting go fosters faith and trust.
I’m in a rather intense season of letting go. My youngest
will be graduating from high school in three short weeks and will move away to
go to college in the fall. I draw great comfort from knowing that the One who
entrusted her to me for a time will complete the great work that He has started
in her.
I know more about parenting now than I did 20 years ago, yet
somehow I feel like I know less.
I call this the Parenting Paradox. Just when I think I’ve
got it all figured out, something happens to remind me that I don’t have it all
figured out. That’s what happens in this process of growing humans. Parents and
children alike are all constantly growing and changing. The world we live in is
constantly growing and changing. Hopefully our relationship with God is
constantly growing and changing. The good news is that I don’t have to have it
all figured out. I don’t have to be a supermom. I don’t have to be an expert.
The best thing I can do as a mom is live my life in submission to God, seeking
His truth and His wisdom, obeying His leading, and resting in His peace. This I
do know for sure.
“If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go
where a prayer has not already been.” ~Robert Brault