Who is contributing to your average?

I saw this quote last week and I have been thinking about it ever since. Who are those five people in my life? How are they contributing to who I am?

I mentioned it to my husband and he joked that he must be on average mostly female by now because he spends most of his time at home and at work with women.  That is why he occasionally needs to visit Sportsman's Warehouse.

To be honest, the one that I spend the most time with these days isn’t a person, although he might beg to differ. I spend more time with my dog Baxter than just about anyone else. They say that owners and their pets often resemble one another. I suppose that’s true with me and Baxter, perhaps with the exception of his facial hair (he has fabulous eyebrows).  We both have to stretch a bit when we get up to move, we both grumble when we’re feeling cranky, we both struggle with irrational anxiety, and we both really love ice cream.

During our time together Baxter has taught me many lessons. He knows how to live in the moment and enjoy himself. He values routine. He knows that obedience brings blessing. He stops eating when he is full, exercises every day, and rests when he is tired. Based on all of this, I feel like Baxter makes a very positive contribution to my average.

As for the humans, I am blessed to have lots of loving and supportive people in my life. They know me well and encourage me to be the best possible version of myself. When I am out of balance, they point me back to my purpose and help me refocus. They listen to me rant, hold me when I fall apart, and tell me to snap out of it when I’m being ridiculous. They give me the freedom to be exactly who I am created to be.

However, there was a time in my life when those contributing to my average were not so helpful. I found myself in a place where I was surrounded primarily by negative people. All of that negative noise began to really affect me. I was extremely critical of everyone and everything, but I was the hardest on myself. I compared myself to others and constantly came up short. I had serious doubts about my purpose in life and I started to think about chasing after other people’s dreams instead of my own. I felt self-conscious, insecure, and inadequate.

I eventually came to the realization that I needed a change. The way to change negative behavior is to replace it with positive behavior, so I began to seek all things positive. I created some relationship boundaries that helped me to step away from those negative voices and move towards people who would encourage me. It wasn’t easy, but after a while I began to feel better. My attitude towards life and towards myself started to improve.

So, who are the ones contributing to your average? Are they lifting you up or holding you down? Do they bring out the best or the worst in you? Maybe it’s time for you to replace some negative voices with some positive. Or maybe you need to consider spending more time with a furry friend. They really are the best!

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you’ve forgotten the words. “ ~Albert Camus

Monday Musings

Hello again! I’m feeling the urge to re-introduce myself because it’s been so long since I was here. I did not plan to take such a long break. It just happened. To be honest, I haven’t really had anything to say, so rather than just create more “noise” in the world, I decided to wait until I was ready to write again. Today is the day!

These past few months have been full of change. We moved both of our daughters to college in August. Thankfully they had different move-in dates or I don’t know how we would have moved all of their stuff at the same time. Hope is now in her third year, so moving her was more about returning her to the life she has already established for herself at school.

Photobombed by her little sister while giving Dad one last hug

 Brianna is a freshman, so the whole process was a little more intense.

All packed and ready to go

Now my husband and I are “empty nesters.” I really don’t like that term because we are still living in the nest, so it isn’t completely empty. But it is a lot quieter around here. I have grown weary of all the well-intentioned people in my life who have been asking  if I’m “doing okay” or if I’m having “trouble adjusting.” I have been trying to focus on all of the positive aspects of my children leaving home, so the sad, depressed tone of voice used when asking these questions is pretty annoying. Plus, I don’t really know how to put into words all of the emotions that I’m experiencing.  I’m happy, excited, anxious, scared, relieved, numb, hopeful, sad…you name it, I’m there! One minute I look back over all that has happened in the last 21 years and I think, “Wow, I can’t believe we did all of that! It went by so fast!” Then the next minute I look back and I think, ”Yup, we sure did do all of that!” And I feel the full weight of it all- the highs and lows of each daughter’s childhood. Thankfully there are more highs than lows.

We have moved into a new season, as a family and as individuals. I’m spending a lot of time with these handsome guys.

Hiking, fishing, watching whatever we want on tv, going on lots of impromptu dates... I’m doing less housework and spending more time doing projects that I enjoy. When people ask me what I’m doing now, it brings me great pleasure to tell them, “Whatever I want!” 

So, without further ado, here are today’s musings:

Out in my yard today… lots and lots of beautiful colors.

Watching the trees letting go of their leaves reminds me to let go of my worries and trust God for everything.

I’m grateful for… good health, answered prayers, and really good coffee.

My first Peppermint White Mocha of the season

One of my favorite things… is this fun candy corn banner that I made to hang on the fireplace mantel. I love candy corn! Mix it with some peanuts and it is the perfect salty/sweet snack.

This week I’m reading… a couple of books about how to do life after the children are grown. When I was becoming a mother, I read lots of books about how to manage that season of life, so I think it’s only logical that I’m reading a lot now about how to manage this season of life.

I am also reading this book by Debbie Macomber in anticipation of Thanksgiving. She is one of my most favorite authors.

I’m looking forward to… voting tomorrow, more lovely fall weather, new Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel, and seeing my college girls on Saturday. We get to go to another home football game. Not only do we get to watch Hope perform with the marching band, but the football team is actually having a winning season! All of us long-suffering fans are so happy to see our Bengals winning for a change.

Simple life encouragement for the week… "Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul." ~Henry Ward Beecher This quote is on my November calendar page. What a great reminder to cultivate a thankful heart. Instead of keeping track of all that we don't have, let's choose to focus on all of the blessings that we do enjoy.

She Promised to Stay "Widdle" Forever...

My baby girl is 18 years old today. A real grown-up. The miracle who brings light and joy to my life every. single. day. Is this actually happening? The days are long, but the years really are short.

She arrived on one of the hottest days of the year. The high temperature that day was well into the triple digits. Labor and delivery with this little one were relatively short and uncomplicated even though she was a bigger baby than her older sister. 8lbs. 13oz. 22 inches long

Proud papa!

 

Big sister Hope was so excited

 

Such a happy girl

We settled into a new routine and my darling girl began to grow:

All smiles with her mommy

 

She's a snuggler!

 

Fun at gymnastics

Playing dress-up

 

Meeting Winnie the Pooh at Disneyland

She started school and life got very busy...

Ready for her first day of kindergarten

 

A life-long reader

 



With her brand new birthday bike

 

Soccer games, tee ball, softball, piano recitals, honor choir concerts, dance recitals, school projects, basketball, Kids Kamp...  

 

soccer chick

5th grade recorder concert

"Box out Bri" was her nickname

Volleyball, band concerts, orchestra concerts, JuMP Co. shows, school dances...

 

Freshman year

"Nerd" dress-up day for Homecoming 

Playing the piano with her big sister

 Driver's Ed., birthday parties, AP Classes, National Honor Society, SAT and ACT tests...



Beautiful Cellist

Dream come true!

All ready for the Prom

 

College campus visits, family vacations, senior pictures, and graduation.

 

She's gonna be a Bengal just like her mom, dad, and big sister

 

Beautiful inside and out

 

The lovely graduate

As a little girl, when Brianna was growing and learning new things, I would often tell her that she was becoming such a "big girl." She would immediately say, "I'm not a big girl. I'm just widdle and I'm going to stay widdle forever!" Birthdays were full of mixed emotions. She loved the party and presents, but she would assure me that she was "just widdle." Even though she is all grown up now, that "widdle" girl will live on in both of our hearts forever.

Welcome to adulthood, my sweet Brianna!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Twenty Years of Motherhood- What I Know For Sure

She turned twenty a few months ago. The one whose arrival in the world brought to me the title of “mother.” Has it really been twenty years? Maybe that doesn’t seem like a long time to some. But for me, the one who was once labeled “infertile,” it is simply miraculous! I do not take for granted this gift of motherhood that I have received. As my good friend Murley says, I am “livin’ the dream!”


As I reflect on the past two decades, I am amazed at all that I have learned while on this journey. A few thoughts really stand out in my mind. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, below are a few of the things that I know for sure about being a mother.

 

Motherhood is the toughest job I’ve ever loved.

I’ve had some challenging job experiences over the years. Anything is possible in the realm of mental health. I’ve coordinated community integration programs for developmentally disabled adults. I have done task analysis for everything from toilet training to holding an appropriate conversation. I have established safety plans with folks who were suicidal. I have worked with paranoid schizophrenics while they were actively hallucinating. I even witnessed a client manifest multiple personalities during a medical visit. This is work that is absolutely draining. Mentally, emotionally, and physically draining; yet, somehow, also very fulfilling.

However, the most challenging and satisfying work I have ever done has been raising my children. Every day is different. Each stage of development brings with it a new set of challenges. There have been countless times that I have been completely spent. But there are more times that I have been so completely content. To watch them grow, master new skills, develop their talents, and explore the world around them was and continues to be my absolute joy. Simply put, I LOVE being a mom! Yes, it is tough sometimes, but the rewards are incredible.

 

 

Mother’s intuition is real.

While it would be helpful if children came with an instruction manual, the reality is that they do not. However, I really do believe that all mothers are blessed with intuition, an innate sense that gives us insight regarding the individual needs of our children. It’s that feeling in our gut that something is (or maybe isn’t) going on with our child despite the evaluations provided by others. It’s our “knower” that guides us as we make decisions every day regarding our kids. This intuition combined with the Holy Spirit of God that dwells in our hearts is so powerful. When we pray and ask for help, He is faithful to give us wisdom and direct our footsteps. It’s like having constant access to the best interactive instruction manual available anywhere.



 

 

Mothers need other mothers to travel with us on the journey.

Many years ago it was common for multiple generations of a family to live near each other. The older folks were present and available to help teach the younger ones how to do life. Great-grandmothers and grandmothers helped new mothers to raise their children. Today it is much more common for us to be separated geographically from the older generations in our families.

Sometimes separation comes as a result of other issues. I have met so many women who are estranged from their own mothers for a variety of reasons. These divides aren’t always so easily bridged, leaving both mothers and daughters with heartache.

My own mother died a couple of years before I had my first child. I mourned for all that she would miss and for all that I would miss by not having her physically present in my life. I mourned for my children who would never know her and would miss out on having this grandmother in their lives. I spent the first few years of motherhood trying so hard to do it all on my own. I wanted to honor my mother by being the best supermom I could possibly be. It was exhausting! In the midst of all of my striving, God gently reminded me that there were some amazing women in my life who could help me. No, they weren’t my mom and it wouldn’t be exactly the same, but they were women who had lots of experience and wisdom to share.

I slowly began to reach out and ask for help. I received such love and support from the most wonderful women. One, in particular, is my mother-in-law. She is an incredible woman of God and has taught me so much about how to be a wife and mom. She is a marvelous grandmother and my girls absolutely adore her! God has brought some other lovely women into my life who have been surrogate mothers, grandmothers, and sisters. Some came into my life for a short season, some for much longer. Whatever their contribution, I know that I could not do this without the love and support of these women.

Some of these women have never had children of their own. You can still be a “mama” even if you’ve never had your own kids. I’m so grateful for their encouragement and willingness to walk with me along the way. God never intended for us to travel alone. We need one another on the journey.

 

My children do not belong to me.

While I do use the possessive pronoun “my” when referring to the children that I have birthed, they are not my possessions. Yes, I have been responsible for their care and training. Yes, we share some of the same physical characteristics, personality traits, gifts, talents, and even interests. But my children do not belong to me. They belong to God. He knew them while they were still being formed in my womb. He uniquely gifted each of them to accomplish a specific purpose in His kingdom. As much as I love them, He loves them with a perfect love.

I’ve learned over the years that this business of parenting is really a long process of letting go. Each stage of child development brings with it a new level of independence. This independence needs to be paired with freedom. Throughout each stage, I’ve poured all that I can into my kids. All of my knowledge, experience, insight, and love. Then comes the time to take a step back and let them complete the process of growing and learning. Letting go is challenging. Sometimes it is tempting to just try and control. But control brings with it a false sense of security. Letting go fosters faith and trust.

I’m in a rather intense season of letting go. My youngest will be graduating from high school in three short weeks and will move away to go to college in the fall. I draw great comfort from knowing that the One who entrusted her to me for a time will complete the great work that He has started in her.   

I know more about parenting now than I did 20 years ago, yet somehow I feel like I know less.

I call this the Parenting Paradox. Just when I think I’ve got it all figured out, something happens to remind me that I don’t have it all figured out. That’s what happens in this process of growing humans. Parents and children alike are all constantly growing and changing. The world we live in is constantly growing and changing. Hopefully our relationship with God is constantly growing and changing. The good news is that I don’t have to have it all figured out. I don’t have to be a supermom. I don’t have to be an expert. The best thing I can do as a mom is live my life in submission to God, seeking His truth and His wisdom, obeying His leading, and resting in His peace. This I do know for sure.

“If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been.” ~Robert Brault

 

Things I Learned During the Month of February

I am becoming very familiar with the grieving process.

When I first learned about the stages of grief back in college, I had absolutely no idea how many times I would go through that process in the years to come. Just within the last 18 months I have lost seven family members and friends. It certainly hasn’t gotten any easier; however, I now recognize it for what it is. I’ve noticed that there is an ebb and flow to grief. At this point in my life, I am more comfortable with embracing the process and “riding the wave.”

God is faithful to give us what we need, often before we even realize that we need it.

Back in October, when I was writing about “Letting Go,” I knew that this was something I was also going to teach on in the Moms group that I lead. Each week as I have prepared to teach, I have noticed that each lesson is as much for me now as it is for the rest of the group (maybe even more). God knew exactly what I would need. He’s cool like that.

Self-awareness can be a tricky process.

You just cannot believe all of the stuff that I have learned about myself in the last few weeks. I’ve learned that my perfect occupation is writer (woo hoo), that I am an “effortlessly cool parent”, and that I should really live in the state of Mississippi. If I were a Disney princess, I would be Belle. I’ve always fancied myself to be more like Snow White, so I’m glad we got that cleared up. I am also most like the character Belle from the show “Once Upon a Time.” Consistency is good. However, my perfect Disney couple is Cinderella and Prince Charming. Hmmm…

If I were a Muppet, I would be Beaker. I am the most like Hawkeye from the Avengers. I should have majored in Eco Science (too late, the Psych degree will have to do). The European country I should live in is Malta. This one seems completely reasonable to me. I think I would do very nicely in the Mediterranean. Finally, if I were a kind of potato, I would be tater tots! This one is very important and revealing for a girl who is a native Idahoan. Apparently tater tots are the life of the party. So why don’t I go to more parties?! Oh yeah, because I’m an introvert and a highly sensitive person. Parties are quite draining for me, so I might not go. But if you don’t invite me, then I will be really hurt!

Real lesson learned: I’ve spent wayyy too much time taking BuzzFeed quizzes!!!

The best way to respond in challenging times- TRUST GOD.

I encountered some difficult situations during the month of February. All too often my response is to basically freak out and proclaim that the world is coming to an end. Overly- dramatic? Well, it is what it is. Anyway, I have been really working on changing that response to one of trusting God and resting in His peace. I am happy to report that I was actually able to do this more often in February. Guess what happened when I did? It all worked out okay and I was able to maintain my composure and live in peace. TRUST. Just. Do. It.

A little bit of hope goes a long way.

As I was walking to my mailbox last week, I noticed a little something that immediately gave me hope. Little green shoots, pushing their way through the mulch.

Spring is coming! Just seeing that little sign of life gave me such a jolt of energy and encouragement. A couple of days later I found the first crocus blooms.

 

Well Helloooo Gorgeous!!! I was instantly reminded that a little bit of hope is all it takes to keep us going.

“It's spring fever.  That is what the name of it is.  And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!”  ~Mark Twain

 

A Legacy of Vision and Purpose

 

My twenty-two year old niece Montgomery passed away last week. So sudden. So unexpected. When I heard the news, I could not comprehend it. “Montgomery?” I said to my husband as he sat in a crumpled heap on the very spot of sidewalk where he was once standing when he received the call. He could only nod his head “yes” through the tears and cries of pain that had overtaken his body.

My mind began to race. “How can this be? She’s too young! What happened? Maybe I didn’t hear that right…” I thought back to that early morning phone call we had received years ago announcing her safe arrival into the world. Her daddy’s voice was bursting with pride as we were jolted out of our sleep. Now we were being jolted once again.



 

I wandered through the next hours and days in a bewildered state of shock. We learned that Montgomery had a congenital heart defect that had gone undetected. Her young heart had simply given out that morning. Most people who are born with this issue often do not live past their first birthday. How fortunate and blessed we were to have her for as long as we did.

 

Memories flooded my mind as the tears flooded my eyes.  We had shared so much together. Laughing, playing, singing silly songs, talking about life, lots of hugs, and all of those precious times we spent praying together.  I began to wonder…Did she know how much I really loved her? Did she know how proud I was of her? I sure hope that she did.



As we entered the church on Saturday for her Celebration of Life service, we were given a leaflet that included some pictures and basic information about her life. Also included were some words that Montgomery had written in her journal. She had written out her personal vision, a contract that outlined how she wanted to live her life. Here are her words:

I promise…

to go into every situation with an open heart and mind

to mean what I say and say what I mean

to learn to calmly stand up for myself

to be grateful everyday of all of the miracles in my life

to give light and love in everything I do

to meditate everyday

to put myself in other people’s shoes once in a while

to laugh everyday so I don’t forget how

to smile at myself in the mirror and love myself

to not forget where I have been

to know how I got to where I am now

to hold my ground when I truly think something isn’t right

to realize when I am wrong and to apologize sincerely

to learn something new everyday

to use my creative mind so it doesn’t go to waste

to know when I can help someone else

to remember why I don’t want to live the way I used to

to love my changes

to give good vibes to the world

to live and love simply

to eventually change the world

to love my life

What a tremendous gift those words are to me and all who would read them! She set out to live her life with vision and purpose, resolved to be the best possible version of herself she could be.  As we honor her memory, I pray that we all will approach each new day we are given with intention, passionately pursuing the purpose that God has placed within each of us.

Montgomery’s light continues to shine through her darling little daughter and her impact will be felt for years to come. She said that she wanted “to eventually change the world.” She already did.

My One Word for 2014

Wow- only one week into the New Year and I already feel like I’m running to catch up! I didn’t plan to take such an extended blogging break, but I also didn’t plan to be sick for most of the last two months. The rotten cold symptoms started on Halloween and persisted through much of December. I also had an infection in each of my eyes. In short, I was a mess! My youngest daughter was also sick, although she recovered more quickly than I did. My husband had strep throat and bronchitis in December, so we were miserable together. Thankfully we were on the mend just in time for Christmas. We did ALL of our holiday shopping (groceries, gifts, wrapping paper, etc.) the weekend before Christmas! Somehow everything came together and we had a nice holiday. 

In the midst of it all, I did manage to spend some time thinking about what my “one word” will be for 2014. Instead of making resolutions that I will never keep, I choose just one word that represents what I want to focus on throughout the year.  I’ve been doing this for several years now and I have experienced more personal growth using this method than any other I’ve tried.

I started to consider what my word would be around mid-November. My first thought was the word change. I immediately decided that I was only thinking about that word because the coming year brings with it some obvious changes for our family. Our youngest is graduating from high school in May and will be moving away to attend college in August. We will be "empty nesters." It’s only natural that I would think of that word, but that can’t be my “one word.”

Throughout the next couple of weeks my thoughts just continued to circle around to the word change. I kept trying to avoid it because that word makes me nervous. Change is often difficult. It can be messy and inconvenient. I had flashbacks to the 15 moves we made during the first 15 years of our married life. Why couldn’t my word be beauty or bliss or serene? Those sounded much less threatening to me. I kept trying, but I just couldn’t get away from that word. 

About mid-December my husband asked me if I had my “one word” for 2014 yet. I told him that I had something I kept thinking about, but I wasn’t particularly happy with it. When I said that the word was change, he got this surprised look on his face and said,  "Are you serious? That’s the word I’ve been thinking about, too!" Well, isn’t that great?! Not only has God been speaking to me about change, but He’s also speaking to my husband about it! I was officially nervous and a bit freaked-out. 

Now that I’ve had some more time to think and let that word settle into my heart, I’m still a bit apprehensive, but I’m also excited. Change can be challenging. It requires something of me. Or a whole lot of me. However, it doesn’t have to be negative. From a practical perspective, I know that this is a time of preparation for the future changes our family is already anticipating. So, I have decided to embrace the process and trust that God will see me through. Even in the midst of change, He is constant and ever-faithful. The plans that He has for me are good. With this in mind, I boldly declare that my word for 2014 is change. Let the adventures begin!

“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. ~Isaiah 54:10